I have status. So much status…

As an inhabitant of planet Earth, I’ve heard a lot of people ask, “Can women really have it all?” and other people respond, “You can have it all, just not all at the same time.” Well, guess what, everyone. You’re wrong! I do have it all. Me! I have all of it.

I have two kids and the unspoken pressure to act like they don’t exist when I’m on a conference call.

I have a professional mandate to know what’s happening in pop culture and an eleven-year-old who tells me to “stop trying to act so cool.”

I have no problem lying about “being in a meeting” when I’m with my kids and no problem lying to my kids about “needing to work” when I’m on Facebook.

I have flexible morality and rigid immaturity.

I have the beginnings of an old-lady stoop and the unsightly chin-and-neck pimples of a fifteen-year-old.

I have pointless meetings at work and at home. Pointlessness is a key component of my brand.

I have male colleagues who tell me I’m not aggressive enough and that I will never get what I want out of my team and female colleagues who tell me I’m too aggressive and that I make them sad.

I have righteous anger and more righteous anger. In fact, I have so much righteous anger, do you think maybe I’m a character in the Bible?

I have breadwinner status and lead-parent status. I have so much status.

I have pizza delivered and more pizza delivered. I have all the pizza.

I have frustration and irritation. Actually, those are pretty much the same thing.
Wait, maybe I didn’t understand the question?

From Amateur Hour: Motherhood in Essays and Swear Words by Kimberly Harrington.
The book is available to order on Amazon, costing £10.99.